My Life

Well, the dreaded birthday came and went without disaster and was actually a wonderful celebration. We had a wonderful trip (but too short!) to Virginia Beach with most of my kids and God blessed us with gorgeous weather and high waves! My office friends were sweet and blessed me with a yummy cake and a song. And on top of that I was treated to dinner out with Eric and Tara who had been unable to join us at Virginia Beach. I am one blessed mama!

But this birthday has caused me to do a lot of reflecting on my life. As a child, 60 years seemed like an eternity...but it has gone so fast and keeps getting faster! What have I done with those 60 years and some of my sadness on reaching this milestone was that I didn't think I had done enough. But God is so merciful and redeems the time.

• I have seen God's hand moving so many times that it gets easier and easier to trust Him and to wait on Him even when it doesn't seem like He is answering or doing anything. I KNOW He is because of our history!
• I have experience that I can share with others, mistakes I made in raising my sons or in my marriage that I can help someone else avoid, but also things that worked well for me and brought blessings that others can also be blessed by
• No more hormone high and lows (or at least not so many). I don't miss those roller coaster rides, really!
• Looking back and seeing so many ways God prepared me to serve Him. I trained and worked as a secretary while single and in the early years of our marriage. God arranged for me to work for a doctor who was gracious and patient. He told me, "The patients are not interruptions to your work, they ARE your work. And they are coming in sometimes upset, angry or anxious. It is your job to be gracious and calm with them." Who would know that many years later, after my job of raising five sons was over, I would use those skills to serve my church family. God did! And in the early years of homeschooling I was very active in a home school support group and was unable to be very active in our church ministry. I sometimes felt guilty about that but knew that was where God had me serving at that time. He knew He was preparing me to start a homeschool umbrella at our church and He did!
• And even things like living in a house where our bedroom was on the first floor. We lived there for 15 years and in that time I managed to break a leg three times! God knew I would need a first floor bedroom during those years. The ten years before and the five years since, we have had a second floor bedroom (and I sincerely hope, Lord, that means there are no more broken bones in my future!)
• Yesterday was my father's 99th birthday. He no longer celebrates birthdays because he is in the presence of the King of kings and is too busy celebrating Him. But he did have 96 birthdays to celebrate and I was so blessed to have him as my daddy that long and to see him model what a true servant of Christ looks like.
• Oh yes, and yesterday I stopped for a quick meal at McDonald's. When I was checking my receipt I noticed that I was only charged 59 cents for my hot tea. I thought that was odd until I saw the word "senior" next to the charge. Yes, there are advantages to being old!

Memories

I had a great childhood. Other people read about "old times" by reading Little House on the Prairie and other such books. But at least once a year, I got to live it. Both of my grandmothers and many aunts lived in the country in Virginia and Southern Ohio without electricity or indoor plumbing.

While visiting my grandparents Whitten I remember being given a candle to take with me when climbing the stairs to my bedroom! Imagine! Each of the four bedrooms in their rustic house contained two beds, each with a fluffy feather mattress. They were prepared for lots of company. My grandparents' bed was on the first floor. Their bedroom was open to the living room like it was intended to be a living room and dining room. There was a pot belly wood burning stove in the bedroom part.

Across the hall from the living room was the dining room with massive dining room furniture and a beautiful pie safe in the corner containing pretty dishes. I remember that there was food on the table at all times. After a meal leftovers were covered with another tablecloth. Later, they had electricity installed so I guess they had a refrigerator so I guess some of the food was refrigerated but my memory is that new dishes were just added at the next meal. (No sandwiches for lunch...every meal was a large one!) In the large kitchen there was a big wood burning cook stove and a large basket containing big chunks of wood that my grandmother would shove in top while removing the circular lids on the top with an iron implement. They did have running water at the sink! My grandfather had run a pipe from an outdoor spring into the kitchen. It ran continuously, which caused me to ask my mother why she didn't fuss at my grandmother to turn off the water like she did to me at home! There was a ladle hanging by the sink that everyone used to get a drink of water. I guess it helped to build up immunities to bacteria because I don't ever remember anyone being sick! I am sure having "running water" helped my grandmother tremendously as my aunt had a pump outside. I loved pumping it to fill a pail with water but I am sure that meant a lot of work for her. My other grandmother in Ohio had a pump at her sink in the kitchen. I have memories of helping my grandmother snap string beans sitting on their large enclosed backporch.

And bathroom facilities...or lack thereof. From my earliest days I was familiar with the little building out back with the half moon carved on the door. I didn't like using it but was admonished by my mother that the chamber pot under each bed was only for nighttime use. Didn't I realize that someone had to empty that. No, I never thought of that, only being concerned about my own comfort. Once I heard an aunt talking about having encountered a copperhead snake in the outhouse and the next time I had to use that facility at night I made the mistake of checking out the opening with my flashlight...not a good idea!

Although at some point in my childhood my grandparents did have electricity and a TV, I don't have any memories of watching it. I played outside under their huge pine tree, sweeping up all the pine needles and playing house. I dug up different kinds of moss which became my play food. I walked down the hill and across a field and opened a big gate to wait for the mailman to take the mail back to the house. At one point they had a horse because I remember my sister, Peggy and her husband, Jim (or he may have been her boyfriend at that point) taking me for a ride. I fell off and ran into the house shouting that I had broken my leg. I couldn't understand why the adults all laughed at me instead of taking my complaint seriously!

I had a great time visiting both my grandparents but I realized at an early age that I didn't have the same relationship with them that my other cousins who lived near them had. My grandmother would chatter away about what Wanda and Donna (cousins) liked to do and I think I felt a little sad that she didn't know more about me. I knew they loved me and in my teenage years I got to know them a little better when they lived with us for a time. Those were my most memorable times. My grandmother sitting at the table in the kitchen while I baked cookies and chatting. She admired things that I had sewn and shared that she had never been much of a seamstress. My grandfather was a sort of gruff old man but I loved him. I knew he loved me even though he didn't fuss over me like my grandmom did (which frankly sometimes annoyed me!). On a visit to our house I remember once him walking to the corner store and when he returned, asking me if I liked Dentyne gum. I didn't really but didn't want to hurt his feeling so I said yes. He then tossed me a pack, saying, "Here you go, girl." He always called me "girl" and it made me feel special for some reason. In actuality with so many grandchildren and seeing me so seldom, he probably forgot my name!

I have been realizing lately that I really didn't have deep relationships with any adults as a child. I had lots of adults that loved me but they were so busy providing for me that I don't remember just talking and building a relationship. That is why, I think, the time that my dad lived with us is so special to me. For the first time in my life I spent a lot of hours just sitting and "being" with him. Listening to his stories of growing up and his philosophies of life.

Maybe that is why I so much want to have relationships with my grandchildren. I want to be available to just listen or to share my life lessons with them. And especially why I don't want to lose that with our "far away grandchildren" in North Carolina. I am so happy that they are willing to travel so often to visit and that they are welcoming to us when we travel to visit them. Do I do it perfectly? Far from it. Sometimes I get impatient or tired and I feel badly when I do. I hope they know that I love them even when I am cranky. Happily, their parents are training them well and, for the most part, they are cooperative and non-complaining while with us.

My grandchildren won't have the same kind of memories I had. We do have electricity, running water that you can turn on and off with a knob and toilets that flush. But it is my desire that they know they are loved and that NiNi and Dad-Dad and those "other" grandparents are always there to listen and share the wisdom the Lord has given.

Thoughts on Aging

I have not had a problem facing any of the "big" birthdays in my life. None of them depressed me and I actually looked forward to being 30 and 40, etc. , like now maybe I would actually be a "grown-up". I guess being the baby of the family I was always trying to "catch up" with my big sisters who are 14 and 16 years older than me and have been adults in all of my memories of them.

But I have a confession to make. This September will be my 60th birthday and it makes me gasp to think about it. It sounds OLD! Like medicare and nursing home old. I have tried to make light of it. I don't feel old and just thinking about that number seems surreal...like didn't I just turn 30 (oh wait, no, I have three children older than that! oh my!) Then I decided I would do something that would make me look forward to it. I have really wanted to host a colonial style ball and I thought "Oh that would be the perfect time to do it!" I discarded that thought when Ryan was deployed to Afghanistan. Somehow I just couldn't celebrate at a ball when my baby was off fighting in a war. Sigh! Yes, I am looking forward to the celebration we do have planned...three days in Virginia Beach with the family.

But still would get that knot in my stomach when I would think of that dreaded number. Maybe it is all the changes that life is bringing. We are empty nesters now and although I do enjoy all the alone time with my love and the freedom it brings, I have to admit I miss feeding a family...and coming home to an empty house is not the high point of my day! I guess part of it is a fear of the future...will I be soon disrupting my children's lives as they have to care for me? Not a pleasant thought...it is humbling to be the cared for instead of the one doing the caring. Sigh! Yes, I realize that was pride once again raising its ugly head.

But last week my attitude took a change. I had been reading through the book of Ecclesiastes for a couple of weeks. It has never been my favorite book of the Bible. It is now. God spoke to me and showed me things in this book I had never seen in other seasons of my life. The last chapter is all about growing old but the verse that really jumped out at me was verse 7: "...and the dust returns to the earth as it was, and the spirit returns to God who gave it." I remember stopping at that verse and mulling over it and coming back to it several times. The deterioration of this body should remind me daily of the vanity of this life and how it is fading away and bringing me closer to the day when I will stand before my Creator clothed in the righteousness of His Son, Jesus, in my glorified, never aging body where I will spend eternity in sinless praise of Him and doing the work He has for me...forever!

The chapter ends with, "The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil." And once again, as I face another adventure with God, He has reminded me as He has over and over through the adventures of the past 59 1/2 years...my job is to seek Him and obey Him, He is in charge of the results, certainly not me! To God be the glory forever and ever!

A Different Mother's Day

I have to make the confession that this is a Mother's Day I have not been looking forward to. I enjoyed the years of homemade cards and being taking out to dinner on Mother's Day to Rax Roast Beef by excited little boys (actually a great place to go on Mother's Day because we had the place to ourselves!). Then one by one they left (as they should) and had families of their own to celebrate with. My mom and Bill's mom passed on but we still had two boys left at home and they did their best to make mom feel special. Until this year. In September Shawn left the nest to begin life with Andi and this Mother's Day they will be "parenting" a group of teens in Florida on their OBCA senior trip...a happy reason not to be here. And Ryan is on the other side of the world putting his life on the line to help preserve freedom. That should be a happy reason not to be here, too, but I still feel a little sad.

It was easy to start having a pity party of one but I am choosing to count my blessings this Mother's Day. How glorious to know God chose me to be the mom to five men who, though far from perfect, make me proud to be their mom (because I was far from perfect mom!) And the three who are dads to my 15 (going on 18) perfect grandchildren give me joy in the matchless grace of Jesus as I watch them take parenting to the next level. I couldn't have chosen better daughters than the ones God has given me through love, although not birth!

And, of course, this day makes me think of my mom. The greatest thing she gave me was unconditional love. I don't think there was anything she would have given me, if it was in her power to do so. Okay, so I didn't have a clue how to do laundry or clean a house when I got married because, being herself thrust into adulthood before fully grown, she desired a carefree childhood for her daughters. I have had 39 years and six men to practice that on. Happily, I did have some experience cooking, not because my mom taught me (she ruled in the kitchen!) but because she gave me such a love of good home-cooked food that I wanted to do it myself. And she was gracious enough to allow me to ban her from the kitchen as a teenager so that I could pore over cookbooks and spend whole Saturdays putting together a meal for our family or my friends (while she would poke her head in and laugh at me for chilling the pie dough...or comment, "Oh you cut your tomatoes THAT way?') She loved me as a child by feeding me what I wanted, not necessarily what was best...Campbell's alphabet soup instead of her homemade vegetable beef soup or canned ravioli instead of steak...baking just the filling of stuffed green peppers because I didn't like them. And I guess it didn't hurt because I am no longer a picky eater (once I started having to cook for myself!) Showing love through her culinary talents was what she did best and we all loved being loved with her Sunday roast beef dinners (never varied...roast beef and gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans...cooked for hours, corn, rolls, Watergate salad and some kind of pie), her pots of vegetable beef soup when anyone was sick or grieving (the one thing of hers that I can do well), and all kinds of pies. We found that we had to be careful in telling her we loved something because it would be served until we couldn't stand the sight of it anymore. Bill found that out when he came to dinner when we first started courting. He raved over her tomato gravy...and we all knew what was going to be served whenever he came to call after that. And I found out that it was a mistake to rave about someone else's cooking (especially when I had been to Bill's house for dinner). I came home after having Bill's chicken pot pie for the first time...and the first time I had ever had that dish...singing the praises of her cooking. Well, mom learned how to make chicken pot pie and we saw lots of it in the weeks thereafter! And I can never eat Kentucky Fried chicken without thinking of my mom's. I have given up after many failed attempts to duplicate hers. It was every bit as good as KFC's even though she skinned her chickens before frying. I have never been able to figure out how she got that crisp coating just right, not too brown and not soggy. I look forward to it in Heaven without the calories!

Being a mom is so tough for this reason: it is so intense for so many years and then you have to let go and shoot those arrows out into the world. I have to admit I liked the intense years much better than the letting go ones! But God is so good and His grace has been so abundant in my life that I praise Him for the experience of motherhood and the joy of watching them take off! (Grandchildren ease the pain immensely, too!)

Prayer for a Son

Okay, on this anniversary of one year since my last post I felt I had more to say than could be posted on a Facebook status. My heart is full this morning as my baby boy is on a plane flying into Afghanistan, into the thick of a battle. He is excited and has been excited since joining the army almost three years ago for this day. I have been less so! As a little boy he loved playing army more than any other activity, even having army themed birthday parties to which all his friends had to come dressed in their army fatigues and have "battles" in the woods where we lived. When he first talked of joining the army we feared that this was just his little boy fantasy being lived out. At one point I said to him, "Ryan, you won't be playing with play guns anymore, or paintball...they will be shooting real bullets at you!"

However, I was happy to see Ryan's prayer life mature as he struggled with this issue. He decided to wait on the Lord instead of rushing to the recruiters and at one point, said to me, "Mom, I am trying to figure out what the Lord wants me to do, but I am just a kid and I don't know how to figure out what the Lord is saying." He finally decided to join the Maryland National Guard because he just couldn't shake the desire and decided it must be of the Lord. When he finally decided he couldn't wait anymore to be in the thick of things he volunteered to join another unit being deployed to Afghanistan. While not wildly excited about this turn of events, I have had an incredible peace that only could come from God.

Then, one day on the phone while in training for his tour of duty, Ryan shared his heart with me. He said that he knew that he was going into the world and could get involved in sin. He could ruin his reputation and it wouldn't really matter because he would never see these guys again. But then he realized that he didn't want to ruin God's reputation and so he made it known as soon as he arrived with his new unit that he was a Christian because he knew in this way he would be held accountable as they watched his life. He has had many opportunities already to witness to his buds (and earned the nickname of Preacher) as they saw that his life and family and relationship with his girlfriend were different from theirs. I still wasn't excited...but encouraged.

This morning at 3:00 am (excuse me, that's 0300 hours) Ryan boarded a plan and headed into Afghanistan. He will be in the thick of heavy battle, driving some kind of vehicle. While I have not been worried or upset but peaceful, held by all the prayers of the saints, this morning as I read God's Word, I became more than peaceful. I became excited. My routine is to read a Psalm each morning and then go to prayer before reading my Bible portion for the day. In God's amazing way, this was the Psalm for today. Psalm 61: "Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy....So will I ever sing praises to your name, as I perform my vows day after day." I started getting excited and my prayer was that God would do miraculous things as Ryan is in the heat of battle so that all would see what an awesome God he serves. Then in my portion of the Bible reading that morning I read in Matthew 5, "You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven." I am struggling how to put this into words what I am feeling so it is not misunderstood. God gives us children not to make us feel good or give us "toys" to play with. They are our arrows to shoot out into a needy world, a light to carry the gospel. So I guess I am looking at Ryan as being the light God is using of mine and I am putting him on a stand (the mountains of Afghanistan) to shine God's light to all who can see it. So suddenly instead of just feeling peaceful and resigned to God's will, I am excited to see what glorious things God is going to reveal and do.

I know this won't last and I will have times of testing and concern and I so covet the prayers of the saints during the time but I know God is building my faith and the faith of my family, especially Ryan, this year and I trust Him to be God and show Himself strong for His honor and His glory!